sad news

too much on my shoulder

i just got a very very very very sad news...

My grandpa has just passed away last saturday...

I tried callling my parents but i could not get them at all...

i started to believe more in my guts...

my right eye lips were twitching for a few weeks before it stopped last week...
it might be a coincident...
however, if it were one, I had had a lot of this kinda of coincidents already...

i went blank... i did not know what to say to my father on the phone... he just got back from the other city where my grandpa stayed for his last few months... my mother is still there to accompany her father though he can no longer talk to her....

i tried to recall the sweet memories that i had with my grandpa... it is hard... i could not recall a lot of stories happened between us... he was a man of few words... i dont remember he has taught me any lesson by talking to me but rather by action....

i can still remember that he was riding a bicycle carrying me at the back to home... the sun was bright... the sky was clear and blue... no many clouds.... it was in a summer... it's hot.... not many people on the road coz it's near noon.... something happened on the road.... but i cannot recall what exactly happened...

my memories then continued... but not smooth... suddenly it went to the days he was very ill... he was in a military hospital... a good one... it was far from our houses.... but we went to visit him... of coz my mom and her siblings were the busiest people around me... i cannot recal the scene that he was in his room... but i clearly recall how we got there and the gate of the hospital... it was late spring and early summer... sunny... we were on a JEEP... and there was slope leading the jeep up after the gate....

then... i can remember the days we moved to SJZ... he could not walk well... hardly talk... but whenever he saw me... he would try very hard to say "you are here" to me... of coz i did not feel it was so heart-warming at that time... coz i was still young and i did understand the heart and feelings behind the simple sentence " you are here"... i could not visit him so often at that time.... i was busy with my study... i could only see him once in two weeks... however, he still liked to see me around... though i did not always accompany him... i guess it is just the feeling of presence.... i was around... he could feel me and see me...

last time i saw him.... it was the recent chinese new year... i went back home to celebrate... i got chance to see him... he looked tired... not as lively as before... still he tried to talk... though it was not clear... i remember.... i could feel that he was very happy to see me around again... yes...i only saw him twice...
1st time, i went to visit... 2nd i came back....

i could not believe that things just happened so suddenly... i could not prepare myself for this shock...
everything...
i suddenly felt the way my block auntie felt.... it was not just sadness.... it is definitely more than that....
i still could not believe that my grandpa is NOW not around any more...
hope he would stay maybe in the other world... happily... looking at us.... we will live happy and answer him....

the biggest regret is that... i dont really know him well... i think i was too naught when i was young though other people said i was very very obidient... but i am close to him.... however,...i dont really know him well...
i guess... hope i could listent to my mom more and get to know him and his stories....

Grandpa... i miss you!
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~@££ tH3 !3esT~

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